WHAT UNILAG HOSTEL LIFE WILL TEACH YOU

 1... Many people are not there to bag just one degree but two. A degree in their respective discipline and secondly but most importantly, the main degree that brought them to school -- BSC BG which stands for "Bachelor of Beg Beg". That was how one strange guy I have never met in my entire life before, trekked almost 10km all the way from Eni-njoku to ask for the crayfish he gave me to keep for him in Sodeinde I just saw somebody with an agbada abi na singlet sef barge into our room and went straight to the point without much ado "I dey look for crayfish". I didn't answer him, I continued with what I was doing. He now tapped me, "Bros, abeg you get crayfish wey you no dey use again"? I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell him that the last time I saw Crayfish was in a Nollywood movie but behaved myself and calmly told him no. Or is it the day one guy saw me frying egg while passing the hall way and went to buy bread on me and my egg's behalf. I was about bringing down my carefully fried one-quater egg from the fire when I saw somebody at the door with fresh bread smiling. Him: "Chairmoooo" raising both hands up, "I hail oh. How E wan be na"? Me: Frowning my face "How wetin wan be"? Him: Pointing at my egg and waiving his bread "I just say make we align" Me: "Bros, abeg no vex. No be me get am. Na my roommate I help fry the egg. He had this disappointed look on his face like I betrayed him or something, stared at the egg with this lustfull passionate gaze that at a point, I had to check if he had already mentally eaten my egg and left an illusion in the fry pan for me cos things dey happen these days.I was relieved when I scanned his lips and found no oil. He finished God knows what he was doing and left. 2... You'll learn how to cook pretty much everything with anything so far you have these three ingredients--electricity water, and hunger. I came-in one day only to find my roommate preparing what he called "Water soup" and its really very simple to prepare. Put water on fire, allow it to boil, add salt, maggi, pepper and red oil shikena. I thought he was joking not until I saw him making eba for his alleged "water-soup" I knew he was really serious. I thought I had seen it all not until i went to visit my friend and saw his roommate eating Eba with what appeared to be "Beans porridge". I shock.
3... You ll learn that Nigerians are very very co-operative in times of need. It is only in the hostel you ll see somebody cooking one cup of rice, just one cup of rice and you'll be like "My guy how far! that thinggg" and just before you add "go reach me"?, he reads your mind and replies "Guy, na 50 people contribute for this rice. The first 20 people bring ninety seed of rice each, 5 bring one-one teaspoon of red oil each, another 10 people bring 0.05 micro-grams of salt which in total weighed 0.5micro milligrams collectively, 8 people join had bring one cube of maggi, 6 people bring kerosene and na my stove we dey use.

4... You ll learn to be stingy. When I started my undergraduate journey, I was very benevolent. I was giving out things, food stuffs, provision and everything to friends and my roomates not until my village people decided to leave me alone for a while and my eyes became open like Adam and eve. How many times I don make Eba wey my Garri wey remain small pass sachet cowbell? How many time I don drink tea wey milk wey remain no plenty pass the one wey dey old woman breast? Ladies and gentlemen, that was when I realised that to survive in the hostel, one has to be skinflint. Nowadays, even if you catch me dey fetch rice from my cupboard, I go tell you say na chinese beans and if the person say "but no be rice I dey see oh"? . I go reply"Guy, you get eye problem". When you got to Rome, behave like the romans. If you cant beat them, joim them.
 
5... You ll learn that the normal way to use the the toilet is the abnormal way to use the toilet. I remember the first time I set foot inside the Hostel toilet, I ran out like a demon chased by the holy ghost. I see poo, the poo wey been dey worry me run leave me. lol . Na only hostel you go see shiit wey only water no fit flush except you mix am with gravel. shuoo. It is only in the hostel person go use shiit take write "Jasper was here" for toilet bowl & still wonder why things are not working well in his life. So when i asked my roomates if it was ok to use the bowl the normal way by sitting on it since the cleaners just washed it, they looked at me like an alien that just landed from Mars and burst out laughing. I later figured how to use it "safely" without putting my bum bum at the risk of contacting God knows what virus. Some people do what we call " stand,drop and dodge" cos you dont want that water to touch ya... No need to explain this one, its self explanatory. Some do what we call "Spider man". Where you literally climb in-between two walls with both hands and legs then deposit from a safe distance.. Just picture how Peter Parker will climb in between two narrow walls without his web. Lmao Some do the "Yoga style". Only difference is you are not actually sitting on the bowl but standing on it with both hands stretched forward and you can close ur eyes if you be mumu. But Pps and pls be very careful cos this style is extremely dangerous and requires alot of stamina cos if your village people distract you a lil bit & you loose balance you ll be in deep shiit, literally.

 
6... You ll learn how to tolerate people. I had a room all to myself at home but things changed the day I stepped foot into hall King Jaja. You just came back from night class all tired and want to sleep but you cant cos your roomate thinks 2am is the right time to cook beans & kill everybody with heat. Adekunle, my God will judge you. It is when you want to read that your roomate suddenly feels the urge to test how loud his phone's speakers are. You no fit talk cos afterall, na im space he dey. Somebody will pollute the air while you're eating and if you complain they'll say "if you no wan see bad thing, close your eyes". "If you no wan hear gossip, close your ear". "If you no wan smell my mess, close your nose" lwkmd...

7... You ll learn how to Aersene Wenger money, food stuff, everything. For those of you who don't watch football, Arsene wenger means "manage" or better still, "economise". When I first gained admission, I was a big boy. I was eating Salado foods anyhow, buying meat pie of 250 everyday with soft drinks to wash it down just for lunch. Na when one day hungry nearly make me use Ebelebo leaf (Umbrella fruit aka Almond) take cook soup na im i realise say boys gats adjust or na die . Na for only hostel you go see where person dey use 50naira take cook soup with meat. Yes, with meat. Dont ask me how. Do you know you can drink 2 tea-spoons of garri and be satisfied so far you have the patience to allow it rise to its full potential after soaking?

8... you will learn to be punctual, when I say punctual I mean very punctual... this involves you waking very early to either use the shower that is if its functioning or to fetch water from the taps cos anything that makes you not wake up early to do any of this will end up making you use sachet water or perfume to bath before going to class.. or you might also end up doing any of the ffg below:

 9... You ll learn that despite the fact that the hostel has its challenges,up & downs,its a once in a lifetime experience that teaches alot of invaluable life lessons that will no doubt come in handy in the nearest future. Plus you get to meet very interesting people and funny characters.